a serious dose of life
Sunday, April 16, 2006
I'm not sure why, but it just hit me today, and I knew I had to write about it. "Had to" being the operative words. The urge to write was so strong and so I find myself tapping away at my keyboard now.
A few days ago, I seriously thought I was pregnant. I was 5 days delayed, and although my cycle isn't something you can nail down to the day, I was beyond the threshold. I can't explain how I felt. I tried keeping it to myself for various reasons. Suprising my husband and our families if it was positive. Not wanting to disappoint them should it turn out negative. But I suppose, deep down, I also did not want to disappoint myself. Oftentimes, when I find myself starting to daydream about being pregnant and all, I'd admonish myself for such silly thoughts. I'd bring myself back to reality by reminding myself that I may actually not be pregnant. But as each day passed, it just became harder and harder not to think so. It became harder and harder not to hope. Not to dream. I found myself creating scenarios in my head...like how we'd tell our parents, how we'd tell our friends.
By the time I was 5 days delayed, Mr. S had already noticed that I didn't have my period yet. He had asked me if I thought we were pregnant. I tried and played it casual by just shrugging my head and saying I didn't know. But again, there was hope inside of me. So much hope. That night, before going to bed, I told myself that we'd get a pregnancy test the next day.
I woke up in the middle of that very night. I had cramps. Bad ones. The kind that you get on your first day. And I knew that I didn't have to buy a pregnancy test. I'm not sure if this was God's way of letting me know, so that I didn't have to go through the disappointment of a negative pregnancy test. Nonetheless, it didn't dim the pain of reality. Not one bit.
Yes, I know. It will come in His time. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier, does it? I still feel the pain. I still feel the longing. I am, after all, human. But I am also strong. So from now until His time, I will remain and continue to be hopeful.
One day....
Sunday, April 16, 2006
I'm not sure why, but it just hit me today, and I knew I had to write about it. "Had to" being the operative words. The urge to write was so strong and so I find myself tapping away at my keyboard now.
A few days ago, I seriously thought I was pregnant. I was 5 days delayed, and although my cycle isn't something you can nail down to the day, I was beyond the threshold. I can't explain how I felt. I tried keeping it to myself for various reasons. Suprising my husband and our families if it was positive. Not wanting to disappoint them should it turn out negative. But I suppose, deep down, I also did not want to disappoint myself. Oftentimes, when I find myself starting to daydream about being pregnant and all, I'd admonish myself for such silly thoughts. I'd bring myself back to reality by reminding myself that I may actually not be pregnant. But as each day passed, it just became harder and harder not to think so. It became harder and harder not to hope. Not to dream. I found myself creating scenarios in my head...like how we'd tell our parents, how we'd tell our friends.
By the time I was 5 days delayed, Mr. S had already noticed that I didn't have my period yet. He had asked me if I thought we were pregnant. I tried and played it casual by just shrugging my head and saying I didn't know. But again, there was hope inside of me. So much hope. That night, before going to bed, I told myself that we'd get a pregnancy test the next day.
I woke up in the middle of that very night. I had cramps. Bad ones. The kind that you get on your first day. And I knew that I didn't have to buy a pregnancy test. I'm not sure if this was God's way of letting me know, so that I didn't have to go through the disappointment of a negative pregnancy test. Nonetheless, it didn't dim the pain of reality. Not one bit.
Yes, I know. It will come in His time. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier, does it? I still feel the pain. I still feel the longing. I am, after all, human. But I am also strong. So from now until His time, I will remain and continue to be hopeful.
One day....
mrs. schmuck | 4:03 PM | 
Comments:
Tin, no words can ease your disappointment, I know it well! But know you will be pregnant when the time is right! I have never figured out why we are given these little tests in life and there are def some we could do with out! Big hugs to you and Mr.S!
Tin, I know exactly how you feel. I always go through the same feelings almost every month. Fortunately, my dh picks me up everytime I shatter into pieces. Always telling me that it is not the end for us. As long as we're together and able, we'll try over and over again. I tell you, since I have PCOS my chances are less. But it doesn't deter me from doing everything that could help. It helps if you can talk about the disappointments. What's better is just to look at it as a blessing in disguise. I wish you well. Take care of yourself.
But knowing that doesn't make it any easier, does it? I still feel the pain. I still feel the longing. I am, after all, human. But I am also strong. So from now until His time, I will remain and continue to be hopeful.
i admire how you're so real and honest about this tin. but more than that, i admire your courage in sharing this with us and your decision to keep the faith. remember we're always here for you okay? take care dear :)
i admire how you're so real and honest about this tin. but more than that, i admire your courage in sharing this with us and your decision to keep the faith. remember we're always here for you okay? take care dear :)
Hey Tin! It will come in His time. That's what they always say. We just have to trust His judgement on this, because He knows best when to give this awesome bundle of joy.
I have had the same experience for several times. The last time was the worst one. I don't know if I can blog about it and I really applaud you that you can be so honest and open about something like this.
I have had the same experience for several times. The last time was the worst one. I don't know if I can blog about it and I really applaud you that you can be so honest and open about something like this.
like the others have said, it will happen when the time is right. I know it doesn't lessen the disappointment though. Hang in there!
Hi there! Just wanted to let you know that I have SO been there done that! We had 5 years of secondary infertility and 2 losses and I remember sooooo vividly, every month, crying my eyes out.....I DID finally get my miracle! I'm sure you've seen her photos over at RAK....but that waiting was SO HARD!!
I admire your strength in blogging about it, and your reaching out, saying, "HELLO! Tell me I'm not alone!" You are NOT alone!!
Just THINKING about those desperate years of yearning, makes me tear up....I'll pray for you, for a precious miracle baby from God and SOON!! LOL!
Feel free to pm me or email me anytime, I'd love to give ya support!! (I'm houseplantgirl at RAK!!)
HUGS!
Stephanie
I admire your strength in blogging about it, and your reaching out, saying, "HELLO! Tell me I'm not alone!" You are NOT alone!!
Just THINKING about those desperate years of yearning, makes me tear up....I'll pray for you, for a precious miracle baby from God and SOON!! LOL!
Feel free to pm me or email me anytime, I'd love to give ya support!! (I'm houseplantgirl at RAK!!)
HUGS!
Stephanie
Have had this experiance myself ! Didnt realize just the right soul had to find the right time to come to earth ...I now have 2 grown kids and they are both perfect for me !!!
Also adopted 4 others Uck to pregnancy ...Now that Ive done it I found that I love all the kids and none of them really feels like mine they seem to be thier own people !
Better yet after I hurt myself for the first one It took me 10 yaers to try again , then I realized that I just deceided to hurt me again .Wow are we women brave !
Mom and my daughter became angels last year so Ill send them a message that you want a baby angel at your house . Promise it will work
Hugs and aneg widhes to you
Also adopted 4 others Uck to pregnancy ...Now that Ive done it I found that I love all the kids and none of them really feels like mine they seem to be thier own people !
Better yet after I hurt myself for the first one It took me 10 yaers to try again , then I realized that I just deceided to hurt me again .Wow are we women brave !
Mom and my daughter became angels last year so Ill send them a message that you want a baby angel at your house . Promise it will work
Hugs and aneg widhes to you
# posted by 
: 6:50 AM
: 6:50 AM
Ah Tin! Big Hugs Sweetz, you're gonna be the best Mommy ever, I just know it!!
# posted by : 5:13 AM
: 5:13 AM
What a heartfelt and honest entry... ((hugs)) I feel for you, and hope that God's time is sooner than you think....
Awwww Tin (it feels funny not to call you Bob...LOL). This touched my heart at a very deep level. I lived with infertility for several years and it was the most difficult time of my life. If you ever want to chat, you know how to find me. You will be in my prayers. You never know what God has in mind for you...I am guessing that it's nothing like what you are imagining now! Hugs!
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